Life's Only Promise
by RasberryGirl
Summary: Jake and Cassie deal with the emotional repercussions of the life they are now leading.


centerLife's Only Promise/center  
  
Another day passed into the night, leaving me alone with only my twisted dreams to keep me company. I couldn't sleep, I was so tired I wanted to cry. So tired of being the leader, Jake the Yeerk Killer, tired of fighting, tired of acting like everything was okay.p  
I was going insane, slowly, but surely. I was very much confident that I'd probably have a heart attack by age seventeen if things kept up the way they were. If any of this sounds strange to you, it didn't to me. All of this I knew and excepted, and honestly had no idea what to do about any of it. p  
Marco was becoming a tyrant, yelling in people's faces, leaving in the middle of meetings, intentionally hurting people's feelings, things like that. His eyes were always getting this cold, black look to them. Almost like mine.p   
If it was even possible, Ax was becoming more detached, morbid, and bent on revenge, on our last mission he was nearly killed because he kept trying to get to Visser Three.  
Tobias was spending a lot of time in the woods, most of the time I didn't see him at all unless we had a meeting or a mission. Or if he was with Ax or Rachel, talking. At least they were talking. p  
Rachel, believe it or not, was always coming up for reasons why we shouldn't go on missions. The last time we actually called it off because of her pointing out the number off innocents that would die. She ended up going by herself and she killed every Hork-Bajir, Taxxon, even human she could get to, even if they hadn't attacked her first. When we found out about what she'd done she laughed in our faces and told me she hoped they'd all fry in hell.p  
And Cassie was becoming less and less compassionate, she no longer protested against any of our plans, no matter the brutality. She seemed to stopped caring. I forgot when she stopped talking to Marco and Rachel. We hadn't spoken an awful lot either, same for Ax and Tobias. And the terrible truth is I hadn't really noticed. p  
As far as I was concerned, well, like I said before, a heart attack seemed very likely in my near future. p  
I decided to take a walk to clear my head. I didn't want to morph, so I made sure that both of my parents were asleep and walked out the door, just like that. They'd never even notice I was gone. p  
I wandered around my neighborhood for a while, then made my way through town, trying to steer cleer of the cops looking for troublemaking teenagers. p  
I must have wandered around for about an hour before I found myself at the edge of the woods. The darkness and density of the night was considerably unsettling, enough, and the trees only added to shadows and blackness of the forest. Luckily there was a full moon out, so it wasn't too dark that I couldn't see anything.p  
Though I didn't really like being out so late, I still didn't feel like going back home; distancing myself from Tom and my completely oblivious family helped a bit.p  
I slowly walked through the woods, only tripping a couple of times over a root or stray branch. Realizing how far I was into the woods, I decided to turn back before getting myself lost.   
I began walking in the opposite direction when I heard a voice. I paused and listened for another sound. Not hearing anything else, I started walking when I vaguely heard the same voice again. p  
"What is anyone doing out here?" I said to myself, walking in the direction of the voice. By coming closer, I could make out a female voice, quietly talking to herself. Recognizing the voice, I quickened my pace, but hesitated when I saw her.  
About fifteen feet ahead of me sat Cassie, her back straight against the tree, legs drawn up to her body. There was a flashlight lying next to her on the ground, turned off. She was talking to herself.p  
"I couldn't do it last time. I was too weak. But I'm going to do it. I promise," she said, and I noticed that she was writing on a piece of paper resting on her knees. I had no idea what she was talking about, and for some reason I didn't want to leave her alone. She didn't even notice I was there until I sat down next to her. She jumped, and after she saw me relaxed again.  
"It's only you."p  
"What are you doing out here?" I asked. She looked back at me, her face paler than I've ever seen it, and her eyes blank. It scared me.p  
"Nothing really. Just thinking about things, I guess." She stuffed the note into her shorts pocket. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the tree as well.p  
"Same here." Cassie looked past my face, and she brought her hand up to touch my hair.p  
"Your hair, Jake." I touched her hand.p  
"What about it?" She brushed a little out of my face.p  
"It's gray. You have some gray hair." To my surprise, I laughed.   
"No big surprise, Jake is growing gray hair. The next thing you know it'll stop altogether and I'll be bald," I said, still laughing. At one point my laughter turned to sobs until tears were streaming down my face. I completely fell apart, telling Cassie not to come any closer to me, not to touch me. p  
But any apprehensiveness Cassie might have had toward me disappeared. She took me in her arms and held me, my head was in her lap and she stroked my hair, kissed my forehead and whispered reassurance to me that I so desperately wanted to believe. p  
"Go ahead, let it all out. Nothing's okay anymore, but I'm here Jake. And I'm not leaving," she told me. After about 15 minutes, my breathing slowed and I sat up, half embarrassed and half relieved that Cassie was still there. p  
"I'm sorry, Cass. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just not as strong as I should be." She shook her head and smiled crookedly. p  
"No. You're not the weak one, Jake. I am, and I always have been. Everyone knows it, and they've all said it." She paused. "It's the same reason why I can't do it." I looked down at her, her eyes were closed and she was rubbing her arm.p  
"Can't do what, Cassie," I said more than asked. She turned the left arm over, and to my horror there were two dark red slash marks just above her wrist.p  
"Tried it two times. I didn't press hard enough, though. Obviously." I stared at her.p  
"Dear God." I grabbed her shoulders and turned her around to face me. Silent tears were glistening in her eyes and sliding down her cheek. p  
"Why didn't you tell someone? Why didn't you talk to me?" She made no attempt to wipe away her tears and I wished I could do it for her.p  
"Because, Jake, I can't. It's like if I talk about it it just makes it more real. And it hurts." Her face crumpled and she put her head in her arms. I put my arms around her petite form, which was shaking with each sob she held in. I was mad, mad at the world, mad at Cassie and morst of all mad at myself for not seeing something like this until it was nearly too late.p  
"You can come to me, or Rachel. Or even Marco, anyone. You can't not tell us. Are you listening?" I asked her, and I could barely feel her nod. p  
"I care about you, Cass," I said more softly. Her body shook with emotion, and my heart tightened in my chest, seeing her so upset.p  
"God, I hate this, I hate this, please. Just let the hurting stop, it hurts so bad," she cried against my chest. I held her tighter and fought the tears threatening from my own eyes.p  
"So do I." It was starting to get lighter outside, it must've been 2 or so in the morning. I knew that I should be getting home, but I wasn't about to leave her alone like this.p  
She held onto me while I picked her up and carried her through the woods, and back to her house, which wasn't very far. I noticed that her family's truck wasn't in the driveway and figured that's how Cassie was able to leave for the woods in the first place. p  
By the time we made it to her front door, she had composed herself enough so she could walk.p  
"I'm sorry, Jake. If you hadn't came when you did I would've tried to really do it this time," she said, taking the razor out of her pocket and dropping it in the grass. I hugged her to me again.p  
"Don't ever try that again, Cassie. Do you hear me? If you were gone I don't know what I'd do," I said, blinking back tears. Cassie drew back for a minute, and opened the door.  
"You can come in for a while, if you want, my mom and dad are visiting relatives," she said, and I hesitantly followed her into the kitchen. She pulled the note out of her pocket, and sat it on the counter. I didn't want to read what it said, I was almost afraid to. Cassie sat down across from me at the table, and reached over to take my hand in hers.p  
"We're really losing it, aren't we?" she said, completely serious. I slowly nodded, and squeezed her hand.p  
"This war is driving is taking its toll on all of us." I looked deeper into her troubled brown eyes, and knew she was listening.  
"But I had no idea, Cassie. I had no idea that it was this bad, for either of us. We should have talked about all this before. Maybe we wouldn't be so messed up as we are now." There was silence for a few minutes, but it was a comfortable one. I guess we were both thinking about the others, if anything like this had happened with them. To me, it seemed more than likely. p  
Here I was, supposed to be the responsible leader, out wandering around in the middle of the night, and Cassie, a caring person with high morals trying to decide how to end it all. And I had no clue. Nothing seemed normal anymore. After a while she stood up.p  
"Jake, can I show you something?" she asked. I looked at her in surprise.p  
"Sure." She led me up the stairs, and to her room. I sat down at her desk and she rummaged through one of her bureau drawers for a couple of minutes. I was about to ask what she was going to show me when she pulled out four folded up pieces of paper. She sat down across from me on the bed, and handed them to me.p  
"These are little things that I wrote about you throughout the years. I don't really know why I kept them for so long, I just never threw them away." She smiled at me, and I knew she was feeling better, and that made me feel so much better as well.p  
"The oldest one is from the day I first met you, and the most recent is from yesterday." She fell silent, and I read the first note, which was dated almost ten years ago, when we were about six and Cassie first moved to our school.p  
  
I met a nise kid at scool today, his names jaek. I thnk I speled that rite. Hes relly fun, evn if hes a boy an raichl says hes got cooties. p  
  
I smiled at Cassie, and she gestured for me to read the next one.p  
  
Yesterday was my 10th birthday, and I had a party at our house. A lot of kids from school came. Rachel always says the more the merrier. Except when it comes to Marco, though. She doesn't seem to like him a lot, but I invited him, too. He came with Jake, and that made my birthday even nicer. But he'd laugh if I told him that.p  
  
"No, I wouldn't." I took Cassie's hand, and she held it back. I read the next note, which was dated about three years later.p  
  
I'm so scared. There's something really bad going on, and now we can't trust anybody. The Andalite gave us the power to morph, and it's the only thing we've got to fight them. I guess that part is cool. Morphing, I mean. But it's so awful too. How are we supposed to fight them? We're just kids. How can they just take over people's bodies like that? How could they be so terrible?  
I'm so scared. Jake's brother is one. I'm worried about him. A lot. What are we going to do?p  
  
I took a deep breath after reading that one, and Cassie squeezed my hand.p  
  
I can't do this anymore, I'm just not going to. The war, it's crushing me and I can't do anything to stop it but help it along, make the end come faster. When Marco welcomed me to the loony bin a couple of years back he was right, and I'm pretty sure I'm here to stay. I'm just waiting for the day I wake up and won't be able to recognize myself at all.   
I don't think mom's noticed anything different about me, if she has I wouldn't know, we never talk anyway. I think dad does, he's asked me why I haven't been helping him as much as I used to with the clinic. I lied, of course, telling him it was school and everything, but the truth is I don't think I care enough. I mean, what's the point? If we're going to lose there's not going to be any more animals to take care of anyway.p  
It's funny, a year ago, a few months ago I wouldn't even think something like that, much less write it down for other people to see. I wish I could talk to him like we used to, tell Jake everything. Maybe he'd understand. Oh, if he could only understand. Is it even possible to feel this strongly about someone? Maybe that's why I can't do it. Jake still needs me.p  
  
By the time I was done reading the last note, I was close to tears, and I gathered Cassie in my arms.p  
"You're right, Cass. I do need you," I said, kissing her hair and forehead. She held me back tightly. p  
"I need you too, and I needed you to know how much you mean to me," she said softly, and we kissed. She drew her arms around my neck and I pulled her body closer to mine. We both got on the bed completely, with me on top of her.   
We started kissing again, deeper, longer, more passionately this time. One of Cassie's hand was resting on the nape of my neck, the other slowly caressing my back.p  
My hands seemed to have minds of their own, moving up her thigh and waist then up the back of her shirt, and with the other started to unbutton it. My lips left her mouth and started on her neck while Cassie's hands slid up to take off mine. But right after she had she broke the kiss and sat up, flushed, trying to catch her breath. She looked at me with wide eyes.p  
"What are we about to do, Jake? I mean, I realized what I was doing, but, I, I don't know if I'm..." I knew and understood exactly what she was saying. I felt it too. I rubbed my temples, trying to get my bearings. "Ready. I know, thank God you at least had the sense to stop. I don't think I could," I confessed, and Cassie raised an eyebrow. "I don't know if I should take that as a compliment, or if I should throw you out. Or do both," she added with a tentative smile I returned. I laid down on my back and stared at the ceiling and she did the same.   
For a few minutes we were silent, not really knowing what to say. We'd just come very close to doing something we couldn't take back. Cassie closed her eyes and sighed.  
"You know Jake, between the Yeerks and hormones it's a wonder this hasn't happened before," she commented, and I nodded. p  
"Yeah. I know." I paused for a moment before continuing.  
"I'm sorry, Cass. I didn't mean-" "It's alright, it was my fault too. And nothing happened. Not tonight at least," she said with a wicked smile. This comment was very unexpected, and I couldn't help but look surprised.p  
"Oh really? Is this the same reserved, quiet girl I met in first grade?" Cassie shoved me playfully, then became serious.   
"You never know, Jake. I mean, what exactly possessed you to go out into those woods at 1:00 in the morning? How did you wander to the exact spot where I was, at exactly the right time? I keep thinking about it and it doesn't really make any sense at all. At this point I think anything could happen."  
She looked over at me, brown eyes shining.p "Look at us, for crying out loud. If Marco or Rachel could see us now they'd both have coronaries," she said, and I had to agree. We were in a very compromising position, but for some reason I wasn't in any rush to leave it. We were happy for the moment and I wanted it to last as long as it could.p  
"Your parents would have me killed if they knew I was here while they were gone, let alone in your room at 2:17 in the morning," I said with a quick glance at her clock. She grimaced slightly and I couldn't help but laugh at the pained expression.p  
"They'd ground me till I was forty." I couldn't help but think how strange it was for us to be acting so normal, after all that had gone on I'd expect us to be anything but. Cassie sat up, got off the bed, and buttoned her shirt while I put mine back on. She looked at me and sighed.p  
"So...what do we do now?" she asked, and I shrugged.  
"I'm thinking maybe I should get home before my parents miss me," I said, but I already knew getting there would be hard. For some reason, it's easier for me to sneak out of my house than getting back in, especially if I have to get in through the a door. Cassie looked skeptical.p  
"You don't have your morphing outfit, you'd have to leave your clothes here. But if you have to go...you should," she finally reasoned, not very convincingly. I smiled at her.   
"But you wouldn't mind if I stayed?" I asked. We walked out of the room, through the hall and downstairs. p  
"Well...okay. Only if we don't get caught," she replied with a laugh. Cassie and I walked into the living room where we settled on the couch and flicked on the tv. I changed the channel every seconds for about five minutes before she took the remote control out of my hand and started looking around for something. I glanced at her, amused.p  
"What was that for?" I asked. She poked her head from underneath the loveseat to look at me, exasperated just like I knew she would.p  
"I'm looking for the TV Guide. I hate channel surfing," she said and I laughed. p  
"Well, you're out of luck, because I already have it and I'm not giving it up without the remote," I answered. I flipped through the pages, and noticed she was mock glaring at me. With a sigh, she finally sat back down next to me with a small smile on her face, and I leaned down to give her a brief kiss.p  
We spent the rest of the night watching Tae Bo infomercials and cheesy horror movies on Sci-Fi, and letting Cassie talk me into letting her color my hair. We also promised not to keep things like that from each other again, and that was one I planned on keeping for life.p  
I can't remember the last time I had been so at ease and happy before that night, just being a regular teenager. Spending quality time with someone I cared about, loved, and I wouldn't take it back for the world. Even though my parents almost caught me sneaking back in our house at 6:15 in the morning.p  
center ~Fin~ /center  



End file.
